My head spins for a split second for how often I’ve heard them saying to take a break. It was basically the same thing that I heard from everyone around me: take a little break, they say.
And I’ve heard it since the moment I stepped into this house.
My mother, Atisha, Alba, and even Gemma — the person I thought would understand me the most — said the same thing. It’s become increasingly annoying each time I hear them, as if I’ve been working on more projects than anyone else. But that’s not the case — I haven’t done as much as others. I have dreams, things I want to do, awards to win, genres I want to try, endorsements I hope to secure, and directors I dream of collaborating with. Yet, it often feels like no one truly understands me. Part of me longs for that much-needed break, but each time I consider slowing down, something pulls me back into the whirlwind, as if I’m not meant to take it slow.
Opportunities haven’t flowed to me as freely as people might assume, especially for someone relatively new to Hollywood. Only a few years ago, in 2019, I first auditioned for a role in a Netflix series. The audition process was grueling, and I juggled multiple auditions simultaneously, hoping for my big break. However, despite my efforts, the number of callbacks I received from casting directors could be counted on one hand. I was a minority in their worlds, and getting inside Hollywood was almost impossible for some people, especially for people like me.
They say rejection is merely a redirection, some saying I try to hold onto it in the face of disappointment. Yet, when faced with repeated rejections over the course of a year, it took a toll on me. I found myself grappling with self-doubt while craving the stars.
This house — our home — came from the money I made from acting. Those nights when everyone else was out, I was still doing my job. Weekends meant scripts, not socializing. And those breaks between semesters? I was doing everything.
I can’t afford to fail, as I don’t have any backup plans. I spent my whole life doing acting and did not actually learn anything else. This has also become my biggest fear — to fall and not be able to get back up, to have nothing was a nightmare — and I didn’t want to live another life where I had nothing for the second time.
Stepped into my bedroom felt like I was on a flashback, where most of my accomplishments could be seen on some pictures on my wall. The first job I took, awards I won and went to, the first time I went abroad, or the graduation pictures with my family and Gemma on them. I glance at the graduation pictures on the wall — they remind me of the four years at NYFA in Gold Coast, Australia. Back then, I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of life. But acting had always been my thing, so I figured a degree in performing arts would beef up my name.
As my phone vibrated in the back of my pocket, I glanced at the time — already half past midnight. With a sigh, I retrieved it and saw a pop-up notification from Martin about Ferragamo.
Martin : We’re flying to Italy on Tuesday. Once the deal is finalized, we’ll have to stay for another week.
